If you’re not American, or just dumb, then you may ask yourself ‘What is the 4thof July?’ Much like all other advice, good ol’ Steel Tip is ready to give it to you (that’s what she said!) whether you want it or not! I can answer your question with a simple picture…
The only thing more America is Superman… and he’s an alien
The 4th of July is THE definition of America. If you don’t celebrate this holiday, you’re a communist and a traitor and don’t deserve to be in my country, sirs! If you want to stay in this great country, then you’ll have to play by the rules… America rules. To help you, here’s an outline of my day on the 4th of July… do this every year until you die and you may go to heaven… America heaven.
FOLLOW THE RAINBOW
July 4th – Steel Tip’s AMERICAN Day
10:00am – Wake Up. Take dogs out. Take 45 minute shit.
11:00am – Grab a beer.
11:15am – Grab another beer.
11:25am – Chug two beers.
11:30am – Start the grill.
11:32am – Kick the grill out of frustration and grab a real American grill that uses good ol’ fashion charcoal.
11:35am – After successfully starting the flame, grab lighter fluid.
This flame isn’t high enough
11:36am – Stop. Drop. Roll.
11:40am – Grab another beer after near death experience. Also a shot of rum.
11:45am – Put 16 oz steak on grill. This is breakfast, so keep it light.
11:46am to 12:15pm – Drink consistency (gotta stay hydrated) while grilling up that steak.
12:20pm – Sit down with steak and milk with a splash of rum.
12:35pm – Lay down for nap.
3:00pm – Wake up.
3:15pm – Find a communist and punch them.
3:20pm – Fire up the grill as party guests arrive.
3:30pm – Have someone cover the grill. Do a keg stand
4:00pm – Wake up from being flipped over during keg stand.
4:15pm to 7:15pm – Drink nonstop and eat as many burgers and hot dogs as possible.
7:30pm – Gather illegal fireworks together.
7:35pm to 7:45pm – Torture non-American friends by pointing fireworks at them and pretending to light them. Then punch another communist.
8:00pm – Light fireworks
You’re a communist if you can’t replicate this
9:00pm – Be taken to hospital. Keep finger on ice.
NOW you’re Amerian!
11:00pm – Rest/Heal up and get ready for next year!
There you have it! If you’re not drunk, eating like a beast, and blowing shit up on the 4th of July then you’re a communist, a nazi, or Taliban.
Find Steel Tip on: The hhwst.net Radio Network (more podcasts and blogs!) || Twitter @steeltip or @hhwst ||Facebook.com/happyhour.steeltip