After giving Hollywood the idea for the next Back to the Future movie, I had full intentions on writing my next piece on how time travel is possible and will be available in the future. Then I sat down and thought “That’s too scientific… at least for this week. But time travel is awesome; what are the top 5 things I would do if I was given the opportunity.” My next thought was “I think I’m watching too much Doctor Who.” Regardless, here it is… the top 5 things to do with time travel!
5. Fix Past Mistakes
Never take a left… that’s for Nascar
Everyone has at least one thing they would love to go back and say “Do over”. Remember that time you were texting and rear ended somebody while driving? How about drinking one too many shots? That moment you fucked up a relationship? We all have something that we would like to change to better our lives. With time travel, we could go back and right all our wrongs and better our lives. Until we get the flux capacitor or meet the Doctor, all we can do is learn from the past and teach our kids how to do life better.
4. See The Future
Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.
Any media that depicts the future is always bad ass at the time. Ultimately, we’re usually let down once we get to that point (where the fuck is the flying car, Jetsons). But if we actually had the ability to take a leap into the future, we could see where we’re heading as a society. America rules the world? Superman exists? The possibilities are endless. Hell, the cure for cancer could exist and you could bring it back with you to save MILLIONS (we’ll talk paradox’s next week)! On a personal level, you could see where your life ends up. Are you the next musical genius? Or are you sucking dick for a quick fix down back alleyways? It could be a real eye opener to fix your life in the present!
3. Get Rich
Internet Rich, Bitch!
A lot of people would put this at number one for themselves, and who could blame them? In this shitty economy, many people are thinking of ways to solve their money problems and time travel could do just that. Depending on the parameters of time travel (again, we’ll discuss this in our scientific blog) depends on your methods of getting rich. While you’re in the future you could pick up a sports almanac so you can bet on sports for a couple decades. You could look up past lottery numbers and hit it big once and a while. Or play it safe, and go back one day into the past and play the lotto for one big score. The possibilities are endless on what time travel could do for your money problems (remember, mo’ money is mo’ problems)!
2. See Jesus Do Magic
Anyone can float; let’s see water turn to wine Jesus!
I, for the most part, believe in something greater. However, I don’t believe a man, born from human flesh, was able to do all these feats that have been allegedly recorded in a book. I’m not calling the authors of these stories liars; just that Jesus was the first ever magician. A biblical David Copperfield if you will. People often ask how I can believe in God if I don’t believe Jesus healed people or turned water into wine. My reasoning is if it was possible back then; we’d see at least ONE person with this ability today. With a time machine, I can either be proven right or wrong; getting this whole argument out of the way.
1. Kill Hitler
With your fists!
Who wouldn’t want to do this? Everyone is just afraid. Hollywood had to wait for ME to write a spec script for it. Doc Brown was too interested in sightseeing to do anything himself and Marty was busy saving Doc and his future. The only time traveler with the balls big enough, aside from myself, to take on this operation is the Doctor. For those of you that think it’s horrible to go back and kill a baby, even it is the most evil guy on earth, then I’ll compromise with you… before he killed a bunch of people. Go back and do it then… THIS DUDES AN ASSHOLE! Imagine the world had he not existed? We’d be better at saving, there would be more Adolf’s (that didn’t want to kill millions of people) walking around, and I COULD GROW A CHARLIE CHAPLIN (that’s right… let’s start calling it the Chaplin and bring it back!) MUSTACHE! Fuck you Hitler.
If we could squeeze a sixth thing to do in it would be: Preventing the raping of Indian Jones and never allow production on The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
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